If you’re a fan of the English Premier League like me (Arsenal FC FTW), this time of the year can be tough. Football is over, summer signing rumors persist, and nothing is certain until the first two weeks of the next season. It was at this point I was thinking that if I were to draft an ultimate unit from the Metal Gear universe to take over the world, who would I put in my starting 11 (a football term for you yanks). Here are the people who would make the first team.
Manager: - The Boss, aka The Joy
The Boss is the single greatest warrior from the Metal Gear universe. She beat down Big Boss (twice), put fear into Colonel Volgin, commanded The Cobra Unit (greatest MGS unit in the series), sniffed out Eva for whom she really was, and is the catalyst for the entire series. The Boss was smart, calm, steadfast and strong, a vastly skilled fighter, and unwaveringly brave (she did willingly go to her death for her country). She brings the leadership to the team, and if anyone can control the following egos with ease, it’s The Joy.
Captain: - Liquid Snake aka The Brother of Dark
Liquid is quite the badass. In his one adventure he puts Snake through hell. Because of Liquid, Snake gets tortured by an Ocelot, attacked by a mad Raven, looses Meryl to a Wolf, and plays mind games with a Mantis (more on him later). Not to mention, in the final fist fight, Liquid’s punches carry more weight than Snake’s. Further, despite being blown up in then thrown off the top of Rex, and getting shot up in a jeep, Liquid only looses because of a military engineered virus. Liquid Snake was the Liquid Metal Terminator of the series, and any man who can kill Ninja Grey Fox should be feared. He brings the brawn, spite, and tenacity to the team.
Goalkeeper: - The End, aka The Father of Sniping
The End is the premier sniper of the series. He has achieved a synergy with nature to the point where it helps to camouflage him from his prey. He was part of the legendary Cobra Unit who helped bring an end to World War II, and by the time he faces Big Boss, he is well into his hundreds and still more than a match for the man. The epic fight with The End can last upwards of half an hour, forcing the player to look at every nook and cranny. He hid well, and most of the time he had you in his sights before you even knew what was happening. He brings the endurance to the team.
Fullback: - Laughing Octopus, aka The Devil’s Child
The Beauty and the Beast Corps played homage to Fox Hound from MGS, and they were a lot of fun. But out of the four girls you go up against, Laughing Octopus was undoubtedly the best. Her camo suit with mask allowed her to blend into her environment with ease, and she was able to mimic others very well, even down to their voices. Her only downside was her madness (but in Metal Gear that’s par for the course), but more than makes up for that with her tentacle arms and flying bombs. Octopus brings stealth and f**king flying bombs to the team.
Midfielder: - Vamp, aka The creepy guy with a hard-on for Raiden
Dead cell was not the best unit the series had to offer, but there was one star from their lineup; Vamp. To put it lightly, Vamp is a weird guy. It seems he had a sexual relationship with Commandant Dolph, Dolph’s daughter Fortune, Naomi, and was really into Raiden whenever they fought. Nonetheless, Vamp was an extremely skilled fighter. He could not be bested by assault rifles, rockets, and sniper rifles. He piloted a harrier jet, ran on water, made mincemeat of a SWAT unit and almost Snake, and was immortal (providing he still has the nano-bots in him). He was skilled in many types of warfare (hand to hand, vehicle, stealth), and would bring variety to the team (plus he would have such a boner for The Boss).
Forward: - Psycho Mantis, aka The guy who blew my freaking MIND!!!
Psycho Mantis is still the single greatest boss battle in the history of videogames. He read your mind, could predict you moves, turn you screen off, hurl objects at you while being invisible, and mentally control others. He was just about the best, and that’s exactly who you want up front; a man with extreme confidence in his abilities which will guarantee victory. Psycho Mantis was the original Mindfreak (go to hell Criss Angle), and would bring the supernatural element to the team.
Substitute: - Revolver/Liquid Ocelot, aka Shalashaska, aka ADAM
Ocelot would have made it to the starting lineup if I was sure he was loyal to the team. However, he’s double crossed so many people you can never be too sure. Regardless, he is a master manipulator, loves to torture, is incredibly strong (asks Snake’s face), and is the only person not named Snake to ever go up against the legendary Big Boss and survive (sure Big Boss let him live, but that still speaks volumes). With Ocelot on the team, he could trick all opponents to take themselves out before a match would have even begun. He could be the greatest asset to the team, providing he’s playing for it.